


I Still Think of You

by nothingisreal



Series: A Million Love Songs [2]
Category: Motorsport RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 17:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15124595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: It's been almost half a year and Maxi still hasn't managed to forget.





	I Still Think of You

Maxi sometimes thinks it would be easier if he had never got into F2. Yes, it’s a weird wish but at the same time, all things considered, quite natural. At least then he wouldn’t be subjected to this torture ever so often. Because that’s what it is - he sees Callum right there, he talks with him and laughs with him, and there’s nothing he can do. He wants to reach out and touch him so much. Tell him how much he misses him. But he can’t. They said they wouldn’t do this anymore, it was too distracting, too dangerous for their careers, but keeping the promise is even more difficult than Maxi expected it to be.

It’s hard being friendly and professional when he can still remember vividly how Callum felt under him and the sounds he made, the way he gasped Maxi’s name. It would have been easier if they never saw each other. Obviously, no matter what thoughts might pop into his mind at times, Maxi would never give up his seat, he’s worked too hard for that. Racing is his life. But it’s difficult not to wonder sometimes. 

They manage to do quite well for the first part of the season, Maxi’s actually proud of them. Nobody seems to suspect a thing, not that anyone did earlier (as far as Maxi knows at least),  but apparently they haven’t been doing a pitiful reenactment of Romeo and Juliet, so it’s all cool. Until someone gets the great idea to throw a party. That’s only to be expected, after all they  _ are _ in Monaco. And it’s exactly for that very reason that Maxi even decides to show up. Okay, so there’s also the fact that he wants to have some fun without the risk of doing something mortifyingly stupid but had it been any other place on Earth, he’d probably decline the invitation.

It’s nothing extraordinary - a club, some drinks (Maxi takes one look at the prices and goes three shades paler), dancing… Technically, Callum shouldn’t be there at all but someone must really hate Maxi. Possibly someone  _ up there _ , though it  _ could be  _ one of the guys. 

He’s on his third beer when someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns around only to come face to face with Callum, who’s standing way too close and has what Maxi deems a suspicious smile on his face. He looks like he’s about to say something but then he can’t help glancing at Maxi’s lip and his eyes light up in that way Maxi recognises and which he’s never managed to resist before.

“Wanna head back?” Callum asks, no preamble, still staring at Maxi’s lips and biting at his own. Maxi knows that’s not what he was planning to say but it doesn’t particularly matter anyway. He can’t tell if the Brit is drunk. Hopefully, yes, otherwise they have a problem. Come to think of it, they have a problem either way.

“We can’t,” he says. He wonders if he’s reminding Callum of that or maybe rather himself.

Callum shrugs. “I miss you,” he says. Maxi knows he’s done for. He’s usually so much better than this, doesn’t just lose his head. But when it comes to Callum…

Thankfully, Antonio chooses that moment to throw his arm around Maxi’s shoulders and push an almost empty glass with some faintly pink liquid still floating on the bottom into his hand. He’s unstable on his feet and Maxi’s forced to take most of his weight so that they don’t both tumble to the ground. He sends Callum an apologetic look, even though there’s something very similar to relief in his chest (relief has never felt this painful before though) and wraps his arm around Antonio’s waist. 

“I should get him back to the hotel.”

He doesn’t wait for Callum’s reply. He makes sure Antonio gets to his room alright, then sits on his own bed for two hours, staring blankly at the wall and trying his best to forget the expression on Callum’s face as he left.

 

***

 

Maxi’s not the kind of person who cries easily. But suddenly it all proves to be too much for him to handle. He wasn’t expecting to be winning, so losing doesn’t get to him. Most of the time. But then there are times like now when he just wants to curl up in his bed and forget the whole world exists. Just for one day. 

He’s been feeling off for a week now, like he’s coming down with a cold, and then the weekend is just disastrous. The constant insomnia which has been bothering him for at least a month isn’t helping him feel better at all. But he keeps going. He never lets his smile slip. He’s been doing great avoiding Callum for the three days they’ve been here. Should have realised it was about time his luck ran out. 

Maxi has almost made it to the relative safety of his own room when suddenly Callum’s there. Maxi didn’t see him come up, too lost in his own head. He only realises the Brit is there when he almost walks into him. They’re dangerously close, mere centimeters between their faces and Maxi finds himself unable to step away.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Callum asks, voice low and there’s such pain and regret in his eyes that Maxi can’t take it anymore. Suddenly, everything seems to be too much. He finds himself biting the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood and squeezing his eyes shut as if that would stop the tears welling up in them.

“Hey…” Callum’s voice goes soft, just like the hand stroking Maxi’s shoulder, and Maxi knows the face he must be making now, the one which says exactly how much Callum cares. As soon as the thought breaks into his mind, there are tears spilling onto his cheeks. He doesn’t bother wiping them away. 

Callum pulls him to his chest for a second before forcing Maxi to  _ move _ . He doesn’t even care where they’re going. He’s not able to keep up the walls he has been building meticulously for the past several months. His vaguely aware, as if through fog, of Callum pushing him into a room (probably Callum’s) and sitting him down on the edge of a bed, having kicked some stray pieces of clothing and books off it. 

Callum seems to hesitate for a moment, before slowly putting his arm around Maxi and pulling him, so that he’s half-lying, his back against Callum’s chest. “What’s happened?” 

Maxi shakes his head and shrugs. He has to fight with himself not to sink against Callum’s body completely or not to tell him how much he wishes they were living in some other universe where this…  _ them _ … would be possible.

It’s a fight he eventually loses.

He’s been trying so hard to do the right thing. He’s been acting as if there was no history between the two of them - just ex-teammates, maybe friends. And all that’s needed to undo all his efforts is one second. One second it takes for him to turn around in Callum’s arms and press their lips together. One second of weakness and he knows he won’t be able to stop. 

Callum nudges his chest, a half-hearted effort to get Maxi to back off. But when Maxi kisses him harder, Callum’s palm moves to the back of his neck, keeping him in place as the Brit deepens the kiss. Maxi’s own words are floating somewhere in the back of his mind but he pays them no attention.  _ We can’t _ . So what? It’s too good. It’s everything Maxi’s been missing since November. He needs this little bit of comfort now more than ever. 

Callum pulls back but makes no real attempt at moving away. They just stare at each other for a while which seems to last a small eternity. Maxi can’t help glancing down at Callum’s lips - shining and reddened. Suddenly he’s moving forward without really realising he’s doing it. Callum indulges him for a moment before gripping his shoulders and pushing him back several centimeters. It’s obvious Callum wants to say something but he doesn’t seem to know  _ what _ .

Maxi’s suddenly aware of what it might look like to Callum. He feels some wetness still drying on his cheeks and his eyes are probably bloodshot and he’s sure that his first attempt at speaking would probably end in his voice cracking but Callum must know this isn’t just a pity party or whatever else he could be thinking. Maxi would never use him, no matter how shitty he felt about life.

“I-” he starts but Callum cuts him off.

“You’re gonna regret this,” he whispers with a sad smile.

Maxi gapes at him. 

For a long moment everything’s still in the room. Neither of them dares to break this weird ( _ awkward _ ) silence that has fallen over them. 

Maxi suddenly widens his eyes as if it took him this long to fully absorb Callum’s words. Some more tears well up in his eyes and Callum’s fingers come up to wipe away the wetness from his cheek, seemingly not realising he’s doing this. His palm rests at the side of Maxi’s face. 

Maxi is about five seconds away from a complete breakdown. 

“You should get some sleep,” Callum says eventually. Maxi shakes his head quickly but Callum just smiles at him. He still hasn’t taken his hand away. “You can stay here if you want?” 

Maxi manages to get a weak  _ thank you _ out. He closes his eyes and leans into Callum’s touch. 

“Come on,” Callum says softly, his hand sliding down to squeeze Maxi’s shoulder, “let’s get you to bed.”

Maxi nods, forcing himself to move away from the Brit to gets his shoes and socks off. He moves to unbutton his jeans but then hesitates, wondering if he’s allowed to do that now, with everything that’s happened.

Callum chuckles - it’s a genuine laugh - and Maxi looks at him curiously over his shoulder. “It’s cool,” Callum says, as if reading Maxi’s mind. Apparently this part hasn’t changed and Callum’s still able to see right through him. Maxi tries not to let the realisation get to him as he pushes the jeans down his legs and climbs under the covers next to Callum.

He maintains a careful distance between them but Callum just shakes his head and snuggles up to him. “We’re friends, yeah?” It’s a rhetorical question, a faint reminder of Maxi’s own words from several months ago. Callum probably didn’t mean anything by it but it cuts across Maxi’s heart all the same. He takes a shaky breath.

_ Friends _ … He doubts there’s anything even remotely friendly in the way Callum curls up around his body.

 

***

 

This was the first night Maxi’s managed to sleep through in at least a month and he wakes up to the sun rising lazily. It must be about four, maybe five o’clock in the morning. They didn’t remember to draw the curtains the previous evening and the windows are apparently facing the east. Maxi suspects it’s going to get unbearably light and hot in the room in no more than half an hour. 

Callum groans and shoves his face against Maxi’s shoulder, his arm tightening around Maxi’s chest. Maxi’s heart speeds up when he realises Callum’s going to wake up soon and then…  _ what _ ? He honestly can’t tell how he’s going to react. He wouldn’t kick Maxi out but he  _ could _ move away, finally put some distance between their bodies. He could slap Maxi’s hand off his hip and untangle their legs and pull his own arm off Maxi’s torso. 

“No thinking,” Callum mumbles, his voice muffled against the cotton of Maxi’s T-shirt. “Too early.”

Maxi can’t help snorting at that. He should get up and draw the curtains which would get them a couple more hours of sleep but he can’t bring himself to pull away from Callum. Right now they’re in a little bubble, like so many times before, and he’d hate to break it unless he really had to but until then he has several more hours of peace. Everybody’s probably asleep now. So instead, he shuffles down the bed and pulls the covers over his head. Callum giggles, moving so that he’s laying half on top of him, head pillowed on Maxi’s chest.

“Good thinking,” he praises. “Now sleep.”

Maxi tightens his arm around Callum and lets himself pretend it’s a year ago and they’re not about to go back to acting like there’s nothing between them.

 

***

 

He doesn’t know what wakes him up at first. The first conscious thought is that there’s something off but his brain is sluggish, refusing to start working properly yet, apparently enjoying the nice peaceful sleep it’s been deprived off for so long.

Maxi forces himself to focus. He doesn’t even have to exert himself too much because suddenly something heavy and damp lands on his face and he has no choice but to wake up properly with an unhappy groan.

Callum’s laughing quietly when Maxi picks up the towel off his face and squints at him. It’s darker in the room than it was before and it takes him a moment to realise that the curtains are now drawn. 

“There’s a bath,” Callum offers. The water dripping from his hair and the wet patch at the top of his T-shirt suggest he had already checked it out before waking Maxi up. Maxi really doesn’t have to consider the suggestion for too long, a bath sounds great. “I can lend you some clothes,” Callum adds and Maxi doesn’t think he’s ever been more grateful in his life. 

He throws the towel back at Callum, aiming flawlessly for his head. Then he rolls out of bed, stretching his arms above his head, and saunters off in the direction of the bathroom, vaguely aware of Callum watching him.

 

***

 

“We’ve still got time,” Callum says when Maxi comes back twenty minutes later with only a towel wrapped around his hips.  He’s feeling mildly uncomfortable about his state of undress, especially with the way Callum’s eyeing him. There’s something in his expression which makes Maxi pause and consider his words. It’s only when the Brit rolls his eyes with a sigh and then lets Maxi see him checking him out properly that Maxi realises Callum’s probably looking for a confirmation that the walls are back in place and all Maxi wants to do now is get dressed and return to his own room. 

He tries to convince himself that’s what he’s going to do for a moment but the memory of Callum next to him is too fresh to ignore. He shrugs and licks his lips, one corner of his mouth curling up. “Any ideas?”

Callum breathes in sharply through his nose and stares at the German with wide eyes. “Seriously?” He asks as if he was expecting Maxi to laugh and say it was just a joke.

Maxi’s smile softens. “Seriously.”

Callum’s on him faster than should be possible, pushing Maxi back against the wall and kissing him. Or maybe rather trying to but it’s really difficult with both of them laughing breathlessly. This is them. This is how they’ve always been and how they  _ should  _ be. Maxi wouldn’t have it any other way. 

 

***

 

They fall back into their old habits. It’s bad. Maxi knows exactly what kind of catastrophic things can happen because of what they’re doing.

And yet, whenever Callum crawls into his lap to kiss him, fingers playing with the hem of Maxi’s T-shirt, whispering how much he missed this, missed  _ him _ , Maxi can’t bring himself to stop.

 

***

 

Maxi wishes his glare had the power to kill. But no, Juan’s still sitting there, grinning like he thought he was the best thing in the world. Maxi tightens his fingers around his bottle of water, wishing it was something stronger, his free hand balled into a fist. It’s ridiculous to be angry about this and it’s not like him, he knows that. It’s just… when it comes to Callum, he can’t help himself.

_ Kiss Charles _

Maxi stares at Juan with quiet determination, pretending he doesn’t see the questioning look Callum sends him. He hears the Brit sigh with resignation and then there’s movement, Callum shifting on the bed until he gets to Charles and presses their lips together. Apparently, Maxi’s a masochist because he can’t bring himself to keep his eyes fixed on something else. And that’s when the startling revelation comes.  _ They’ve done this before _ . The thought takes his breath away and suddenly he’s swaying on his feet as if it really was something stronger than plain mineral water.

“Ey, Maxi, you okay?” Antonio asks loudly from the other side of the room.

Callum jumps away from Charles as if he’d been burnt. His face is beet red and he’s staring at the floor determinedly. 

_ They have done this before _ . Maxi repeats in his head. He feels mildly nauseous.  _ Jealousy _ . He doesn’t think he’s a particularly possessive person but, as proved time and time again, he behaves oddly when it comes to Callum. 

“I’m fine.”

As the rest of the guys go back to playing  _ Truth or Dare _ (desperate times call for desperate measures and boredom can make anyone desperate), Maxi slips out of Juan’s room and makes his way down the hall. He feels like taking a scalding hot shower and then lying in his bed for several hours, haunted by the image of Callum and Charles.

 

***

 

As he turns onto his other side for the upteenth time and pulls the covers tighter around his body, he finds himself wishing Mick was there. Maxi suddenly misses him so much he feels like crying. Well, to be fair, he  _ has _ been feeling like that for quite some time, even before he thought of Mick. 

Mick doesn’t know about him and Callum. Actually, scratch that.  _ Mick has never been told about him and Callum _ . Knowing him, he probably has his suspicions. Besides, it’s not like Maxi needs to have a long talk where he could confess everything that’s been bothering him. He’d be perfectly content to just have Mick in the bed next to him, so that he could finally fucking fall asleep. He doesn’t know why but there is something about Mick that just calms him down. Mick doesn’t have to do anything other than exist in Maxi’s immediate vicinity and that’d be enough for him to breathe easily again.

There’s a knock on the door and Maxi’s first impulse is to ignore it. But then it grows more urgent and there aren’t many reasons why someone should be knocking at his door at two a.m. so he forces himself to climb out of bed.

Callum doesn’t say anything at first, just stares at him as if he wasn’t expecting to see Maxi, despite the fact that he’s the one knocking at Maxi’s door. 

“Can I come in?” He asks quietly after several long seconds, finally letting his fist fall from where it’s been hanging in mid air.

Maxi bites his lip. With a shrug he turns around and crawls back under the covers. But he leaves the door open and Callum takes the unspoken (and visibly reluctant) invitation. He doesn’t dare to come to the bed or even move further into the room.

Maxi sighs, feeling another piece of his heart breaking away, and motions for Callum to sit down. “What was that?” He asks once Callum has lowered himself onto the mattress, so close to the edge of the bed he’s in an imminent danger of falling to the floor. He didn’t think he’d want to talk about it but now that Callum’s here curiosity gets the better of him and he  _ needs _ to know.

Callum can play dumb, can pretend he doesn’t understand what Maxi means. He doesn’t though.

“We fucked once,” he confesses, his voice loud and clear, stark contrast to his slumped shoulders and the way he’s staring at the floor, curled in on himself. “Last year,” he adds.

Maxi feels like he should be angry or disappointed but he really doesn’t have any strength left for that. And last year he was kind of an arsehole to Callum, so he doesn’t have the right to hold it against him. He’s suddenly exhausted as if the two weeks of sleep deprivation caught up with him in one second.

Glancing at the empty half of the bed and then at Callum’s hunched form, Maxi doesn’t feel like being responsible and reasonable anymore.

“I love you,” he says.

Callum blinks at the floor before finally turning around to look at Maxi, almost falling off the bed in the process before he manages to catch himself at the last moment. “What?!”He squeaks.

“And I’m sick of all this,” Maxi goes on, undeterred by the obvious shock on Callum’s face. 

“What are you…?” Callum trails off. Maxi doesn’t know how he was going to finish the question but he doesn’t ask. He needs to keep talking, to get all of this out in the open or else he’ll go mad.

_ Not like me _ , the thought is persistent, circling in the back of his mind for over a year now. He knows he’s behaving irrationally. It’s all Callum’s fault that Maxi no longer feels like he knows himself, can’t predict what he’ll do next. Maybe he should hate him for this. He’s tried to, God, how much he wanted to despise him. The whole previous season when he told himself repeatedly that it was just sex. That he was just using Callum. And he still couldn’t stay away. Since the very first time.

When Callum told him he was falling for him it was with desperation. Maxi knew how that felt. He had to get away or he would have done something unforgivable like stay with Callum or tell him he felt the same way or… Or in other words, everything he did later in Abu Dhabi.

There was no happy ending, Maxi didn’t believe in that for one second. What he wanted wasn’t important here. They would end up tearing each other apart. Or tearing themselves apart. It would be better to just end this insanity right here right now and never look back. 

And Maxi just  _ couldn’t _ …

“I haven’t slept okay for the last six months. I can’t help wondering what would have happened if I just…” He swallows hard, the memories from that day he told Callum he loved him in Abu Dhabi flooding his mind. “I keep thinking about you, no matter how hard I try not to and it’s driving me mad. I’m doing my best to be reasonable but I  _ can’t _ . It’s like I lost all control over myself and I-”

“Maxi,” Callum says his name determinedly, cutting the German off. Maxi lets himself slump back against the pillows, bottom lip between his teeth as he takes deep breaths. “It’s okay.”

Maxi’s hysterical laughter tells Callum how untrue that statement is. The Brit kicks off his shoes and shuffles up to where Maxi’s sitting and slips under the covers next to him. Maxi still has his eyes closed but he feels the mattress shift. Callum’s fingertips graze over the veins on the inside of Maxi’s wrist. Then there are lips on his. Maxi doesn’t even try to put up a fight. 

“We can’t go on like this,” Callum whispers against his lips. Maxi nods.

“Can we talk about this in the morning? I just-”

Callum silences him with another kiss. “I know,” he says with a smile. “We’ll go to sleep now.”

“Callum?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Callum presses a kiss to the top of his head. Maxi barely registers it, already almost asleep.


End file.
